Who is YOUR BFF??

This is something that I have wrestled with practically all my life! Here is a list of my BFF's since I was born...in order of when they received that "Title":

1) Jenifer
2) Heidi
3) Candy
4) Nicole
5) Kayleen
6) Abbey
7) Katie
8) Niki
9) Sabrina
10) John
11) Erin
12) Kristina
13) Sosha
14) Anthony
15) Kim
16) Heather
17) Nissa

Phew...I think that's about it...

I heard on the radio the other day, that children supposedly meet their "BFF" (Best Friend Forever) at the young age of 3! I can honestly say that ALMOST all of these people I am still friends with to this day and consider a very select few CLOSE friends of mine. So many have been through so much with me, both good and bad.

But here is where I struggle...to how many of them, am I their one TRUE best friend?? I'm not...I don't have that ONE person that I talk to or text EVERY single day, that I can talk to about anything, that knows me inside and out, that understands why I do the things I do. That ONE person that trusts me with their heart and soul and knows that NO MATTER WHAT, I will do anything to protect them. To be honest, I've never had that...ever.

Now, before I go on, let's just take #14 out of this...kind of. Anthony is the Father of my child and the man that I share my life with right now. Yes, he is there for me and I love him dearly...but even he doesn't give me everything I need in a BFF. Yes, he is the 1st person I call if there is any issue with our daughter, or if something is going on with work and vice versa...but it is just different. What I'm talking about is someone OUTSIDE of 'family' that I can go to and trust with everything.

I have struggled with this all my life. I have tried to do anything I can to find a REAL BFF, but can't seem to find the 'right' person to fill the position. Over the years I have fought with, cried with and loved dearly all the people in the above list and have very special memories with all of them individually, and am blessed to continue my relationship with many of them, but I long for that ONE person. Every time I consider someone my BFF...they always have ANOTHER BFF. Now don't get me wrong. I don't expect to be the ONLY friend, I mean seriously, that's just silly. But there is something about that 'title', that to me, means more, and feel like there should be that ONE person.

Several friends have been MY best friend, but I have not been THEIR best friend. And I don't really know why? I have lost sleep over this, wondering if it's something wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to be THEIR best friend? I'm still trying to figure this all out and hope that someday things will become clearer.

My friend Jenni and I got together over this past weekend in the Portland area where she lives and talked about the "olden days"...holy crap, am I OLD ENOUGH to even say that?! Anyway, we talked about our MAJOR insecurities in High School, the ways we felt, the things we remembered...and many things that we didn't remember, but the other person did. It's amazing to me how everybody seems to think that I had it all together in H.S. I mean, here I was a cheerleader 3 years, 2 of them being all-american, good grades, a car (not like it's anything to write about, but I DID have a vehicle), everybody knew who I was, my Senior year I was dating one of the best looking and nicest guys in school, and was overall pretty well liked (I think).

What most people DIDN'T see was the indescribable insecurities and hurt I had in my heart! Very few saw what I did to my body when I was anorexic and bulimic. The way I turned to "bad" things instead of turning to a real person for help. The way my heart broke when I was left out, or the MANY tears I cried because I didn't have any REAL friends! My younger years, although in hindsight were MUCH easier than they are now...were VERY painful and difficult for me.

Jenni & I met with one of our fellow Cheerleaders, Carole on Sunday for lunch and discussed these very things. Carole said something that was SO true...how she wished that someone would have put ALL the girls in one room and said, look around, ALL of you are feeling the SAME thing, the SAME insecurities and the SAME discomfort in life! I think I 'looked' like I had it 'together' because that's what I portrayed, but if only I knew that SO many, including Jenni & Carole were feeling the exact same way, it could have all been different, not only for me, but for so many others.

So, now that I'm older, and a mother with a career, I still question WHO is my BFF?? Well, in the physical world, I don't really have a BFF...I have a select few CLOSE friends. But even without my ONE TRUE BFF, I know that I have people that would be there for me in a heartbeat if anything happened, or if I really needed them. Jenni is one of those people on that short list. After 13 years of only seeing each other probably once or twice, we have rekindled, or rather, re-started a new friendship, based on Christ, love and trust. The Lord has put us back in touch for a reason and I believe that it has been His perfect timing that brought us together!

BUT, even though I don't have a physical BFF, I DO have a BFF!!! Jesus Christ is my BFF!! This may sound cliche to you, but it is the truth. HE is the One that I call out to when I'm hurt. HE is the One that I feel comfort from. HE is the One that has saved me. HE is the One that trust with my heart 120%+!! And HE is the One that LOVES me no matter whether I'm happy or sad, busy or lonely, annoying and loud or quiet and reserved, HE LOVES ME!!

So, I ask you this question: Who is YOUR BFF? Can you say that Christ is? If not, then you're missing out on the best and most fruitful and loving relationship possible!! I may have a long way to go in life, with my friends and family, but I KNOW that the Lord will be by my side loving me unconditionally like only He can...and for that I can feel comfort.

Some Mikaelyn Pictures

My friend Mandie needed some photos for her Portfolio and asked if Mikaelyn wanted to do a shoot. The timing worked out perfectly since it was Mikaelyn's 5th birthday coming up, so we just made it a birthday shoot! Althought at the beginning she wasn't REAL excited about pictures (no matter HOW much you prepare a 5 year old, you just NEVER know what kind of attitude you'll actually get), but the end, she was a happy girl and eager to get LOTS of good shots on the swings!

Thanks Mandie for doing this for us!

Change is Coming...

...and I'm really not sure I'm 'ready' for it...but I also don't really have control over it.

The Lord is working in my life and I am doing my best to follow His lead. It is hard to understand why God chooses certain things for each of us to go through and it's even more difficult to try to explain that to a 5 year old. I've been thinking about buying a journal and writing in all of her questions about the Lord. they are such SIMPLE questions that I can't seem to answer in a way that she will actually understand, or maybe even that I understand. So I think it's time to start writing them down and researching so that I can give her the best opportunity at learning more about the Lord and all that He has in store for us.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get through all of this change, or how I'm going to cope with the adjustments, but I know that the Lord is on my side and am doing my best to "give it to God", even though I really don't know HOW to do that...I'm trying.

I suppose I ask for prayer during these next few days and weeks ahead that I imagine will be very difficult for me, and for Mikaelyn. We know that God is love and that if we put our trust in Him, He will care for us...so that's what we're trying to do!

I am SO blessed to have this little girl that gives me a reason to wake up every morning, a reason to keep going and a reason to love! I am so proud of the little lady that she is!!

What is YOUR greatest fear?

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind to say the least. I have been very busy at work, which in and of itself is such a blessing! Mikaelyn is in full-blown Fall mode with Dance on Mondays, all-day Kindergarten Tuesday through Friday and Awana started this week on Wednesdays. Somehow, I have this feeling that this little girl is going to keep us VERY busy when she gets older! :o)

This past month has been a bit challenging emotionally for me in several ways and I am still trying to figure out who I am, what I want, what Mikaelyn NEEDS and where I want to be in life, in love and in the Lord. I am being challenged in positive ways that are leading me to the Cross and praying for strength, positive attitude and happiness. Still working on all of that, but I know that the Lord is Faithful and He will bring me to where I need to be as long as I keep my eyes focused on Him!

With all of that being said, a conversation came up the other day that I have thought about very often, especially as of late, but have never verbalized it...

If someone were to ask you, "What's your greatest fear?", what would you say??

My greatest fear?? DEATH!!

As a Christian, we are told that when we die, since we have received Christ into our hearts, we will go to Heaven and we should not fear death as we will then live with Jesus for eternity! Great, right!?! Absolutely, that's amazing!

But here's MY reality...Death itself, TERRIFIES me!! It keeps me awake at night, it's my greatest fear as a mother, a companion, a sister, a niece, a cousin and a daughter!!

The past few months, there has been A LOT of death surrounding me and my friends and people at arms length that I have a connection with on some level. My heart literally ACHES for them and the pain that they must feel losing a son, a brother, a husband, a child, a friend. Death to me is confusing, complicated and hurtful, to say the least. I don't understand death, I don't like it and it scares me!!

If something were to happen to me, I wonder if people would REALLY know who I am, if they would know what I would want to be done with my daughter, who I would want to care for her, and HOW I would want her to grow up? Would they know what to do with my things? Who would comfort them better than I could, but now I'm not there to make them feel better. How would this affect Mikaelyn as she grows older? I NEVER want her to feel the pain of losing someone and DO NOT want her to grow up without a Mother! I question myself if I have given myself to Mikaelyn and Anthony in a way that they deserve and desire so that I would actually leave them with ONLY positive memories of me? Does my family, immediate and extended KNOW how deeply I love them, even if I don't always show it? Do my friends know how MUCH they mean to me? Have I given of myself enough to be remembered for the GOOD and not for the "drama"?

This may all seem so silly and 'morbid', but given the last few months, watching several friends go through such devastating loss', it brings me to a crossroads of what I want MY life to be now and in the future. I want SO much more...I want to be happy, so that if something does happen to me, EVERYBODY will know, how HAPPY and GRATEFUL I am for my life. I fear that right now, I'm not in that place. I put on a good front (I think) on the social sites and at work, but at home the reality is, I am not in a very happy place. I have SO much that I want to do with my life and for my daughter and I feel like I am left in limbo and don't really know which way to turn. I feel like I do not have control over my destiny right now and that is literally driving me crazy! I run from those that challenge me because I don't "feel" like dealing with the things they're telling me and I put on a front like life is GREAT so that I look like I have it all together.

This past week, a friend of mine Jenni, has told her story of what the Lord has done in her life and the bondage that she has been able to get out of with help from her husband, children, friends and more than anything the mercy and forgiveness of the Lord. She has shown me, that in the depths of despair, there IS a way out...there is a way to find happiness. It's not always easy, it can often be painful, and you will most likely have to do things that you don't "want" to do, but there is a way out. She has shown, courage & strength in sharing her story. She has a LONG way to go, as we all do, but she has STARTED her journey to restoration and has been forgiven by the One who REALLY matters, the Lord!

So, I'm being vulnerable right now, sharing my deepest fear and the struggles that are my reality. Where does this lead me? I have no idea...but it's been on my heart and I needed to get it down in writing...for me, that's a release. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing, but I hope that if something does happen to me, that at least my daughter will know how DEEPLY and PASSIONATELY I LOVE HER!!! Regardless of how I may react to her at times, my love for her is only surpassed by the Lord's love for her!

I challenge you to look into your heart and figure out what YOUR greatest fear is and start working through it...you never know what tomorrow holds as the Lord does not promise tomorrow. I have learned this FAR too deeply in recent days. Be HONEST with yourself and start the path towards restoration. It will not be finished today, or tomorrow...it may take the rest of your life, but we HAVE to be honest with ourselves in order to be honest with others!

Another Sad Day

I just got word (via blog) that my friend Shannon (Anderson) Nelson and her husband and their two older sons, Kaden & Jonas, lost their sweet son/brother Lucas, 8 months old to cancer last night. My heart is aching for my old friend! No mother should ever have to go through the pain of losing a child. There are no words to begin to express my sadness for their family, but I know the Lord will comfort them during this tragic time!

Shannon, I love you, even though I haven't seen you for FAR too many years. You are such an inspiration to so many women and mothers and I'm proud of you for the brave face, strong mind and unconditionally loving heart that you gave to Lucas! My prayers are with you, Aaron, your boys and all of your extended family and friends! May the Lord give you peace, comfort and understanding in the days and years to come!

A Break from Blogging??

Each day I come to my blog to read about my friends and their families, their struggles and their joys. But I haven't been able to actually write down my thoughts and share my joys in the past few weeks. This summer has been one of the most difficult that I can remember, in so many ways. I have several friends that are going through the most difficult times of their lives, lost family members, illness, you name it! Here's just a few that weigh heavily on my heart each day:

The Robertson Family - Lost their son/brother Ryan, age 21 earlier in July to a drug overdose. After several days in a coma, and some pretty incredible miracles that the Lord provided them with Ryan acknowledging them, talking to them, and kissing them, the Lord took him home.

The Lam Family - Lost their son/brother Granger, age 30 to cardiac arrests. After a few days in a coma, Granger was taken off life support and passed very soon after. Granger is the father to a beautiful little girl, almost 5 named Jesslynne.

The Hammrich Family - Lost their son/brother Kenny, age 24 in a car accident. After a few days in a come, Kenny was taken off life support and passed soon after.

The Nelson Family - Found out not too long ago that their son, Lucas, 8 months old has cancer. A few days ago, the Doctor's told them that the cancer had spread to his brain and there was nothing they could do for him, but keep him comfortable. On Sunday 8/30, Lucas slipped into a coma...I have not heard an update since Monday 8/31 as to how he is doing.

Melissa Waller - A friend of mine since Elementary School was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer back in February. She has been in and out of the hospital (mostly in) for the past several months in excruciating pain and while dealing with this, lost one of her friends that she met in the hospital, who also had cancer. She is only 31 years old.

The McDowell Family - Lost their father/husband to cancer the end of July. One of my best friends Heather, his daughter, was able to be with him when he passed and I am so thankful she had the opportunity to say her goodbyes and I love you's.

This is just a few of the people that are hurting right now, this doesn't even touch on the friends that are connected to these people, the extended family that loves them and is suffering along with them. This is heart breaking to me!!

I am very much like my Father in that I always try to take peoples pain away...I don't want them to feel the pain, I would rather take if FOR them...this is not possible in these situations, and therefore, I feel helpless. I can't understand all of this pain, the anguish, the death...it makes no sense to me. And I keep asking my friends WHY in the world is all of this happening? Why is there so much death?! Almost all of the 6 people above are under 31 years old!! WHAT?!?! I thought this stuff only happened to OLD people...you know, like my Grandparents and their friends! But this is reality. And I'll be honest, the reality where it is right now...I'm not too happy about it!

I am SO thankful that I have my faith in the Lord, that I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW He has a special and specific plan for everyone in this world. This brings me comfort and honestly, it is what keeps me sane! I have been feeling so much grief, sadness, loss and helplessness it is almost unbearable! And then I stop and think, this isn't MY pain!! I have GOT to learn to turn it over to the Lord! He is the only one that can get me through all of this! I can not do it on my own!

I pray, every moment of every day that the families, friends and those connect to the people above and all the others that have passed or are sick or hurting for any reason, that they will realize that there is NO way to get through the pain and the agony of these difficult times, without the Lord Jesus Christ! I pray that they will know the Lord's comfort, His peace, His kindness and His forgiveness! He will be the one to take away their pain, NOT me...I need to keep reminding myself of that!

So, I sit here, tears in my eyes, aching for those that I care for that are hurting. And I say, it's yours Lord, I give it to you! Take away my pain and the pain that all these people feel! Heal their hearts and comfort them during these trying times, because you are the ONLY one that can do such a thing!

First Day of Kindergarten!

She is READY to go, with her sharing (show-and-tell) and all!

Those eyes...oh man, those eyes!

She's got her bear, she's got her lunch, LET'S GO!!

She's telling her teacher about the Bison that we saw on her Birthday!

It's official, my daughter is in Kindergarten! Seriously?! I remember MY Kindergarten class! I had Mrs. Scott, she was friends with my Grandmother...I also remember a boy in my class named Darin, he was a troublemaker. We were playing tug-of-war one day and he let go and I fell into the brick wall and got my first black eye...Oh man, I hope there's not bully's in her school like that...cause I'll beat 'em up!! ;o)

Open House for Kindergarten

Getting ready to go, lookin' all cute!

Gotta get some love from Mama!

She just melts my heart!

And a little smooch for Mama

And she's on her way!

We decided to keep Mikaelyn in the Montessori school for Kindergarten. It's expensive, but we feel it's worth it to have a wonderful, stable place for her to go when sometimes things are a little chaotic around our house. We love them and they just adore Mikaelyn! They had an open house so the kids could come back and say hello, see the new stuff they got and make up their folders that they bring home each week with all of the assignments they completed for throughout the week! We're so happy she's back for one more year!!

Happy 5th Birthday to my Bugaboo!

Opening Presents...FINALLY!

She kept asking if THIS was her fish...


Then she walked in her room and saw the tank...with no fish!

And started dancing around...for about 5 minutes!

A quick picture with Mama

And of course, had to get one with Daddy...they take THE CUTEST pictures EVER!

Then off to buy her fish!!

Dinner at her favorite restaurant, Cafe Veloce...look at how Daddy looks at her!

Blowing out the 5 candles on her Sleeping Beauty cake

And a quick family photo...still can't figure out why Anthony & I are so shiny! ;o)

August 18, 2004 @ 11:19pm, my wonderful, sweet, intelligent, BEAUTIFUL daughter Mikaeyn Joy was born, after 15+ hours of labor. Fast forward to August 18, 2009 and we celebrated her 5th birthday! It was a good day hanging with Daddy in the morning, then coming to work with Mommy for a little bit before getting ready for dinner as a family. We went minimal on presents this year as our child has everything she could want and doesn't really "need" anything else. Grandma & Papa got her a pink princess Bible (which you can see in the last picture, she insisted that she take it to dinner with her) which she was SO excited about, but it doesn't have any pictures! HA! She'll learn to read it very soon! We also got her a fish tank and 2 fish (which one has already died and we acquired 2 more, so now she has 3). She was so happy and is doing such a great job taking care of them. Right now we have Jewelry (grey), Arana (orange) and Rayla (orange and white)...all goldfish. We had a great dinner at our favorite restaurant, Cafe Veloce and Mikaelyn was a very happy birthday girl!

We are so blessed to have gotten this far and are so thankful for the Lord giving us this bright little girl! I don't know where I would be without her and I just can't believe she's already 5!!

Family Birthday Day

Her first Ferry ride

The llama CRACKED US UP! He was just passed out, asleep in the middle of the road! HA!

The highlight of my day, feeding and petting the zebras!

Mikaelyn feeding the fallow deer...she was so brave, and they were very sweet!

For Mikaelyn's 5th birthday, we decided not to do a party this year. She didn't really ask for one, and neither Anthony nor I felt like figuring out all the details and spending all the money for kids we don't really know. So, instead, I planned a whole day for the three of us...which in reality, Mikaelyn would love more than anything ANY day!

We surprised her by taking her to the Olympic Game Farm in Sequim, WA. We got up early, went and got breakfast from Starbucks while Daddy got ready, then picked him up and left by 9am to go to the ferry. We took the ferry to Bainbridge Island and then drove about an hour to the farm. You drive through and the animals just come up to your house and eat bread out of your hands! It's SO fun!! We fed llamas, ox, zebras, bison, bunnies, bears, birds, elk, different types of deer, goats, and of course Mikaelyn snuck some too.

After a few hours there, we headed to the Edgewater for dinner where we were blessed with the most beautiful sunset after an incredible day! We laughed harder and longer than we have in ages and thoroughly enjoyed every minute with each other! Mikaelyn was surprised, happy and took home a little bell as a souvenir, which QUICKLY got on our nerves...come to think of it...where is that bell?? Hmm...

I got this great shot of Mikaelyn and Anthony just before the sun went down. A beautiful end to a beautiful day!! We had SUCH a great time!!

The Start of Mikaelyn's 5th Birthday

All the crazy kids

She got a little "pouty" for a moment...or two

Opening her presents from her cousins...with help, of course!

My niece Ilona (7) and my sister Melissa, aka Mimi

From Left: Eva (4 7/8), Christian (3 7/8), Ilona (7), Kaiser (5) & Mikaelyn (5)

We started Mikaelyn's, always LONG, birthday celebration with a visit with all of her cousins. My sister Melissa came up to Kirkland (from Eugene, OR) to do some work on their house in Bellevue and met us for some play time and dinner. My brother Jason & his wife Andrea, along with the girls came over from Seattle to meet us as well. We played at "Mikaelyn's park" aka Peter Kirk Park in Kirkland and then headed to dinner at TGIFridays, aka "Mara's Restaurant"...it was a bit chaotic, but fun to be with family and I appreciate my family making the effort to spend some time with us and celebrate my (then) almost 5 year old! I love my family!!

Reality Set In...

...and it wasn't pretty!

Saturday, August 8, 2009, I had to attend the Memorial Service of my friend Granger Lam. A man who passed away just 7 days before his 31st birthday, leaving behind a daughter who is almost 5, a wonderful family and many friends.

Granger passed away on July 28, 2009 and for the past almost 2 weeks, I have chosen to push away as many feelings as possible so that I could focus on what needed to be done. Not only for his family and friends, but for my new job, my daughter and my own sanity. My mind constantly thinks about Granger and the many memories that we shared over the past 20ish years, but any time that I would feel that lump in my throat, or feels the tears in the corner of my eyes, I would quickly do something to distract myself. This all "worked" for the most part until Saturday afternoon when I had to attend his Memorial service.

I arrived at 11am to find quite a few people already at the Funeral Home. I was instantly hit with a very heavy heart and an aching feeling in my stomach, unlike what I had been experiencing since I first heard of Granger being in the hospital and soon after, his passing. This was reality...this was real...he was really gone...and I wasn't ready to say good bye! After greeting a few old friends from High School and talking with some new friends, I finally got the courage up to go say my absolute final good bye to Granger, face to face...my soul to his earthly body. It was a shock to see him in the state he was in, I have to be honest. It was hard to see him in the hospital...my big strong friend who always had a smile on his face, lying there on life-support with no expression, no emotion on his face, but now, he was there with no life to him, just a tired body laying there peaceful yet empty. It was a feeling I have a hard time putting into words and again, to be honest, not a feeling that I even want to remember. I once again prayed for Granger, told him I loved him, that I missed him and that I would see him again. Ouch, it hurt!

The Memorial service was by far a huge success given the unfortunate and terrible circumstances. It started with one of my favorite songs, Halo by Beyonce...I immediately lost it and had to do my best to control my emotions and tears as I really didn't want to make a scene. This song has a massive amount of meaning to me in several ways and I felt it was not ironic that I had listened to it driving to the service. After hearing several of the memories that Granger's current friends had of him, I felt it was my time to go up and share something of Granger and who he was, to me!

I shared about how Granger changed the course of my life when I was pregnant with Mikaelyn, some 5 years ago. I had told Granger of how everything came about, and I'm glad that he knew that he inspired my family in a great way. I had told his family this story the first time I came to visit him in the hospital, and I'm glad that they know just one more memory of the joy Granger provided to me. I also told of his affection for "booty's", HA HA! Yes, Granger was one of those that had a thing for the 'behind' and it has been that way at least all through High School and carried on into his adult life. :o) I'll never forget all of us cheerleaders doing a specific cheer (Let me see your "funky Chicken", What's that you say?) where we had to bend over all together...Granger was ALWAYS turned around staring at us...there's even a picture of this somewhere! HA! This was the same, one of the last times that I saw him at the gym when I was doing glute exercises and continuously had to tell Granger to move IN FRONT of me so we could continue our conversation...such a funny guy!

But, I ended my memory by stating that the people from High School, his friends from back in the day, were the ones that knew the REAL Granger...he still had the same heart his whole life, but the reality is that Granger was not the same person when his lifestyle changed. I feel blessed to have known the REAL Granger and am thankful that regardless of what his lifestyle was in these past few years, as soon as he would see me, whether out at a bar, or in the gym, his facade dropped immediately, and he was back to the one that remember and loved. He was always on his best behavior when I was around and I loved that about him, that he respected me and loved me enough to know that he needed to act right!

After an incredibly wonderful video put together by my friend John's Dad was shown, there was only one thing left to hear and that was Bettina's (Jeff's wife) statement from her and the family about the reality of what Granger went through in the last years of his life. The tiredness of his body and all the things that we needed to now release from our minds and to focus in on the good in his life and the good that came out of it, Jesslynne, his mini-me daughter! Bettina spoke so eloquently, tactfully and honestly about Granger's life and I still get goosebumps thinking about what a great job she did...thank you again Bettina for addressing the true reality in a way that was heard, appreciated and hopefully used for the good!

Saying good bye is not easy for me, I don't think it's easy for anybody really. But, this is certainly one of the hardest good bye's that I have had to say. You know, the Memorial Service makes a mark as the finality of the death, the time where you leave it all there and start moving on...but I'm not sure I'm ready for that! Maybe it's because I held back my emotions as much as possible in the days leading up to the service, but I feel like I'm still reeling in the emotions of Granger really being gone, of never being able to talk to him again, of never seeing his smiling face. I am still very sad and can't seem to really focus on anything else.

All in all, I've realized I'm just not done grieving yet, and I think that's okay. This weekend was a whirlwind of emotions and I need to take some time to really work through each emotion at my own leisure. However, I am doing my best to focus on the good and positive things in my life and the many blessings that even as of recently I have received!

God is SO good and I know that although it's hard to understand death and loss, He has a perfect plan and I put my trust and hope in Him knowing full well that He will protect me, guide me and comfort me through everything! I hope you all can feel this as well!

How You Can Help

So many people have contacted me to see how they can help out since Granger's passing.
There are many ways & I hope that everybody can take some time to see what they can do.

#1, Send an email to grangerslife@gmail.com. This is to be a letter to Granger &/or his family. Nobody will be reading these except for his family. I will print off the letters and put them in a book form to give to the family. I feel it's important that they have the memories in writing. Jesslynne, Granger's 4 year old daughter will some day want to know more about her Daddy and what a great man he was and if she has these letters that she can read, how wonderful to have something tangible to hold on to.

#2, Please send any photos you have of Granger to robertsjohnj@gmail.com for the Memorial service video that John is putting together.

#3, A donation fund has been put together for Granger's daughter Jesslynne. The family has set up an account with USBank under Jesslynne Cleveland-Lam. You can also go to the website and contribute online. You can contact the bank anytime to donate. Their number is 800-872-2657. Another option is to mail donations to:
1811 164th AVE NE
Bellevue, WA 98008
Make checks payable to Jesslynne Cleveland-Lam.

#4, Attend Granger's Memorial Service
Date: Saturday, August 8, 2009
Time: 11am Public Viewing, 12pm Service
Location: Beck's Funeral Home
405 -5th Avenue South
Edmonds, WA
Reception following the service at Royal Unicorn Restaurant in Shoreline

#5, Continue to pray for Granger's family, his daughter especially and his friends that are deeply hurting by his passing!

Granger, you're like a brother to me and I miss you & love you dearly! xoxo

Remembering Granger

I wanted to post some specifics on Granger's Memorial Service and some other opportunities/requests.

Granger's Memorial Service:
Date: Saturday, August 8, 2009
Time: 11am Public Viewing ~ 12pm Service
Location: Beck's Funeral Home
405 - 5th Avenue South
Edmonds, WA
Reception: Royal Unicorn Restaurant in Shoreline, WA

How you can help...

1) Send a letter to Granger and/or his family to share with them your affection for Granger. Please email these letters and I will print them all and put a book together to give to the family. I want them to have something tangible that they can pull out any time they want to read of the love that we all have for our friend. These letters will not be read by anyone but the family, these will not be publicly displayed.
Email to: grangerslife@gmail.com
I would like to have this all complete by Thursday, August 6, 2009 IF possible.

2) Please send your pictures in for the video being made. Any pictures that you may have of Granger are wanted and appreciated. You can email them to me at sjgroenink@att.net or directly to John who will be putting the video together at robertsjohnj@gmail.com.

3) Many of you have asked about a fund for Granger's daughter (almost 5). This is being worked on and as soon as I know the details, I will get that information out to you all.

My heart continues to ache for Granger's family, daughter and friends. My mind never wanders from his goofy face that made me smile the instant I saw it and all of the memories I have of my sweet friend!

I hope that you will all do what you can to make sure that Granger's family feels the love that we all have for him!!

Saying Good Bye...

...is NEVER an easy thing to do. Especially when it has to do with death.

Sadly, my friend Granger passed away yesterday, July 28, 2009 at the age of 30. I will write later of how that night came about, but for now, I ask you to pray for his family, his friends and all that loved him. But most of all, I ask you to pray for his almost 5 year old daughter that the Lord will comfort her and help her to understand what she is going through.

Granger, I love you and I miss you already. I am blessed to call you my friend!!

Praying for My Friend Granger

My friend Granger is in a coma right now. I heard of this terrible news last night and was able to get in contact with his sister this morning to find out more details.

Granger, who I went to Middle school and High school with had several cardiac arrests & is lying in the hospital on life-support.

I went to visit him this morning just to hold his hand and talk to him and to support his family in any way that I can. His brother Jeff and sister Amanda as well as his parents, daughter and friends are hurting deeply and it is so hard to see friends in such terrible pain. There is nothing that I can do to make them feel better, which is always hard for me to grasp, but I CAN pray for them, and I am doing that constantly!

I ask you to pray with me that Granger will make a full and quick recovery. This is going to be a long, hard road for him and everybody who has been touched by him, but the power of prayer is what can get him through this!

I also ask you to pray for his family that they will feel comfort, peace and understanding and especially his little daughter who will be 5 the beginning of October that the Lord will protect her and comfort her as she deals with this very difficult situation with her Daddy!

Granger, I love you and know that the Lord is with you and will guide you through all of this! Wake up and get better so we can finally take our girls to the park together like we've talked about for so long!! So many people love you and need you to stick with us! You are a FIGHTER & I expect that 100% out of you right now! Fight on my friend & I'll see you very soon!

Granger and I on my 30th Birthday last year!

Quick Update

Watching the Kirkland Parade

The ground was HOT, but she was so weak, she had to sit down poor thing...

But, ultimately, she was all smiles...although this was before the walk home...not a fun thing when you're running a fever and have a tummy ache!

Happy at the fireworks...even though she was feeling rotten

Her eyes just make me melt!

I find myself alway thinking, I need to blog 'this' or 'that' and then for whatever reason, don't end up doing it. That could show my ability to procrastinate?! Anyway, just thought I would put it out there that is well here.

Mikaelyn dealt with the flu over the weekend, which of course was the 4th of July holiday, but I was still a COOL Mom and allowed her to do the things that she wanted to do. We went to the Kirkland parade as well as watched the Fireworks...even though she was still running a fever and in the end came home after fireworks and threw everything up. Luckily she threw up in the toilet this time! (Maybe TMI, but this was a BIG deal as she has never actually made it there before!)

She is well now and we're taking each day as it comes and I'm just trying to enjoy my little girl. She's growing up so quickly and I'm left here thinking, where did all the time go?! We don't have much on the books this summer, which is kind of a blessing. We don't have anything that we need to get ready for, just enjoying the time off before she goes back to school and grows up even more!

Born Again!

Yesterday, July 2, 2009 was a VERY special day in our house. Mikaelyn made the decision to ask Jesus into her heart and become a Christian!! This process has been going on for a few months now (not to mention the prayers that have been said by myself and my family & friends since she was born that she would some day give her life to the Lord).
A few months back, I started talking to her about what it meant to be a Christian. Immediately she said "I don't want to be a Christian, he's a BOY!" See, my nephew's name is Christian and of course, she attributed the 'word' Christian with the 'name' Christian. It has taken countless discussions and explanations to finally get her to understand the difference. Phew!! I was worried for a little bit. :o)
Anyway, Mikaelyn is VERY aware of what she did and completely understands this commitment and very important decision that she made. We sat and talked about how she wanted to go to Heaven and to be a Christian and how the only way to make that possible was to ask Jesus to forgive her sins and come and live in her heart. She said that she wanted to pray and do just that so I prayed for her and then she said that all important prayer!!! Of course, being the sweet girl that she is, she also prayed that Jesus would come into her Daddy's heart so that he could be a Christian too...she's always thinking of others...such a tender moment!! When we were finished, we called Grandma & Papa and got both of them on the phone to tell them...obviously, they were ecstatic and knew that Mikaelyn was so ready for this decision! Mikaelyn then ran to her Daddy and said, "Daddy, I'M A CHRISTIAN!!" Then she continued running around the house yelling "I'M A CHRISTIAN"!! It was so cute!
All day yesterday, she told everybody that was willing to listen that she was a Christian...what a witness I have on my hands! :o)
So, yesterday will go down in the books as probably the 3rd most important day in my life. #1 was the day I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was 5 years old (I think), #2 was the day Mikaelyn was born and now #3 is the day she gave her life to the Lord! We will celebrate July 2 as Mikaelyn's spiritual birthday for many, many years to come!!
God is so good and this has NOTHING to do with me, but only by His grace, mercy and faithfulness that my little girl has made the most important decision of her life! I am completely humbled!

Last Day of School

Mikaelyn's 2 best friends, Eric and Christina

Mikaelyn's teacher, Mrs. Haeck

Her other teacher Miss Leslie

Mikaelyn's "Prince" Eric

My graduated little girl!

June 19, 2009 was Mikaelyn's last day of Preschool! I can hardly believe that the year is over! She attended Juanita Bay Montessori which is an absolutely fabulous school! Her teachers are loving and kind and they adore my little girl. We felt so blessed being able to even get her in this Montessori school and even more so watching how she thrived during the school year. Mikaelyn is going to miss her friends, but Lord willing, we will be back in the fall for Kindergarten! Montessori is not cheap, and I know it's only Kindergarten, but the teachers are so wonderful and the curriculum is designed for each individual child, we are doing everything we can to hopefully allow Mikaelyn one more year there!

She had a fun filled day with cookie decorating, a popcorn party and then outdoor games. We hadn't had rain for nearly 30 days until that day, so it was a bit rainy, but the kids didn't seem to mind! It was fun to watch them all work together and play together and we definitely miss going to school already! Now, time to figure out fun stuff to do this summer to keep my little girl busy and not bored! :o)