Some Mikaelyn Pictures

My friend Mandie needed some photos for her Portfolio and asked if Mikaelyn wanted to do a shoot. The timing worked out perfectly since it was Mikaelyn's 5th birthday coming up, so we just made it a birthday shoot! Althought at the beginning she wasn't REAL excited about pictures (no matter HOW much you prepare a 5 year old, you just NEVER know what kind of attitude you'll actually get), but the end, she was a happy girl and eager to get LOTS of good shots on the swings!

Thanks Mandie for doing this for us!

Change is Coming...

...and I'm really not sure I'm 'ready' for it...but I also don't really have control over it.

The Lord is working in my life and I am doing my best to follow His lead. It is hard to understand why God chooses certain things for each of us to go through and it's even more difficult to try to explain that to a 5 year old. I've been thinking about buying a journal and writing in all of her questions about the Lord. they are such SIMPLE questions that I can't seem to answer in a way that she will actually understand, or maybe even that I understand. So I think it's time to start writing them down and researching so that I can give her the best opportunity at learning more about the Lord and all that He has in store for us.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get through all of this change, or how I'm going to cope with the adjustments, but I know that the Lord is on my side and am doing my best to "give it to God", even though I really don't know HOW to do that...I'm trying.

I suppose I ask for prayer during these next few days and weeks ahead that I imagine will be very difficult for me, and for Mikaelyn. We know that God is love and that if we put our trust in Him, He will care for us...so that's what we're trying to do!

I am SO blessed to have this little girl that gives me a reason to wake up every morning, a reason to keep going and a reason to love! I am so proud of the little lady that she is!!

What is YOUR greatest fear?

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind to say the least. I have been very busy at work, which in and of itself is such a blessing! Mikaelyn is in full-blown Fall mode with Dance on Mondays, all-day Kindergarten Tuesday through Friday and Awana started this week on Wednesdays. Somehow, I have this feeling that this little girl is going to keep us VERY busy when she gets older! :o)

This past month has been a bit challenging emotionally for me in several ways and I am still trying to figure out who I am, what I want, what Mikaelyn NEEDS and where I want to be in life, in love and in the Lord. I am being challenged in positive ways that are leading me to the Cross and praying for strength, positive attitude and happiness. Still working on all of that, but I know that the Lord is Faithful and He will bring me to where I need to be as long as I keep my eyes focused on Him!

With all of that being said, a conversation came up the other day that I have thought about very often, especially as of late, but have never verbalized it...

If someone were to ask you, "What's your greatest fear?", what would you say??

My greatest fear?? DEATH!!

As a Christian, we are told that when we die, since we have received Christ into our hearts, we will go to Heaven and we should not fear death as we will then live with Jesus for eternity! Great, right!?! Absolutely, that's amazing!

But here's MY reality...Death itself, TERRIFIES me!! It keeps me awake at night, it's my greatest fear as a mother, a companion, a sister, a niece, a cousin and a daughter!!

The past few months, there has been A LOT of death surrounding me and my friends and people at arms length that I have a connection with on some level. My heart literally ACHES for them and the pain that they must feel losing a son, a brother, a husband, a child, a friend. Death to me is confusing, complicated and hurtful, to say the least. I don't understand death, I don't like it and it scares me!!

If something were to happen to me, I wonder if people would REALLY know who I am, if they would know what I would want to be done with my daughter, who I would want to care for her, and HOW I would want her to grow up? Would they know what to do with my things? Who would comfort them better than I could, but now I'm not there to make them feel better. How would this affect Mikaelyn as she grows older? I NEVER want her to feel the pain of losing someone and DO NOT want her to grow up without a Mother! I question myself if I have given myself to Mikaelyn and Anthony in a way that they deserve and desire so that I would actually leave them with ONLY positive memories of me? Does my family, immediate and extended KNOW how deeply I love them, even if I don't always show it? Do my friends know how MUCH they mean to me? Have I given of myself enough to be remembered for the GOOD and not for the "drama"?

This may all seem so silly and 'morbid', but given the last few months, watching several friends go through such devastating loss', it brings me to a crossroads of what I want MY life to be now and in the future. I want SO much more...I want to be happy, so that if something does happen to me, EVERYBODY will know, how HAPPY and GRATEFUL I am for my life. I fear that right now, I'm not in that place. I put on a good front (I think) on the social sites and at work, but at home the reality is, I am not in a very happy place. I have SO much that I want to do with my life and for my daughter and I feel like I am left in limbo and don't really know which way to turn. I feel like I do not have control over my destiny right now and that is literally driving me crazy! I run from those that challenge me because I don't "feel" like dealing with the things they're telling me and I put on a front like life is GREAT so that I look like I have it all together.

This past week, a friend of mine Jenni, has told her story of what the Lord has done in her life and the bondage that she has been able to get out of with help from her husband, children, friends and more than anything the mercy and forgiveness of the Lord. She has shown me, that in the depths of despair, there IS a way out...there is a way to find happiness. It's not always easy, it can often be painful, and you will most likely have to do things that you don't "want" to do, but there is a way out. She has shown, courage & strength in sharing her story. She has a LONG way to go, as we all do, but she has STARTED her journey to restoration and has been forgiven by the One who REALLY matters, the Lord!

So, I'm being vulnerable right now, sharing my deepest fear and the struggles that are my reality. Where does this lead me? I have no idea...but it's been on my heart and I needed to get it down in writing...for me, that's a release. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing, but I hope that if something does happen to me, that at least my daughter will know how DEEPLY and PASSIONATELY I LOVE HER!!! Regardless of how I may react to her at times, my love for her is only surpassed by the Lord's love for her!

I challenge you to look into your heart and figure out what YOUR greatest fear is and start working through it...you never know what tomorrow holds as the Lord does not promise tomorrow. I have learned this FAR too deeply in recent days. Be HONEST with yourself and start the path towards restoration. It will not be finished today, or tomorrow...it may take the rest of your life, but we HAVE to be honest with ourselves in order to be honest with others!

Another Sad Day

I just got word (via blog) that my friend Shannon (Anderson) Nelson and her husband and their two older sons, Kaden & Jonas, lost their sweet son/brother Lucas, 8 months old to cancer last night. My heart is aching for my old friend! No mother should ever have to go through the pain of losing a child. There are no words to begin to express my sadness for their family, but I know the Lord will comfort them during this tragic time!

Shannon, I love you, even though I haven't seen you for FAR too many years. You are such an inspiration to so many women and mothers and I'm proud of you for the brave face, strong mind and unconditionally loving heart that you gave to Lucas! My prayers are with you, Aaron, your boys and all of your extended family and friends! May the Lord give you peace, comfort and understanding in the days and years to come!

A Break from Blogging??

Each day I come to my blog to read about my friends and their families, their struggles and their joys. But I haven't been able to actually write down my thoughts and share my joys in the past few weeks. This summer has been one of the most difficult that I can remember, in so many ways. I have several friends that are going through the most difficult times of their lives, lost family members, illness, you name it! Here's just a few that weigh heavily on my heart each day:

The Robertson Family - Lost their son/brother Ryan, age 21 earlier in July to a drug overdose. After several days in a coma, and some pretty incredible miracles that the Lord provided them with Ryan acknowledging them, talking to them, and kissing them, the Lord took him home.

The Lam Family - Lost their son/brother Granger, age 30 to cardiac arrests. After a few days in a coma, Granger was taken off life support and passed very soon after. Granger is the father to a beautiful little girl, almost 5 named Jesslynne.

The Hammrich Family - Lost their son/brother Kenny, age 24 in a car accident. After a few days in a come, Kenny was taken off life support and passed soon after.

The Nelson Family - Found out not too long ago that their son, Lucas, 8 months old has cancer. A few days ago, the Doctor's told them that the cancer had spread to his brain and there was nothing they could do for him, but keep him comfortable. On Sunday 8/30, Lucas slipped into a coma...I have not heard an update since Monday 8/31 as to how he is doing.

Melissa Waller - A friend of mine since Elementary School was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer back in February. She has been in and out of the hospital (mostly in) for the past several months in excruciating pain and while dealing with this, lost one of her friends that she met in the hospital, who also had cancer. She is only 31 years old.

The McDowell Family - Lost their father/husband to cancer the end of July. One of my best friends Heather, his daughter, was able to be with him when he passed and I am so thankful she had the opportunity to say her goodbyes and I love you's.

This is just a few of the people that are hurting right now, this doesn't even touch on the friends that are connected to these people, the extended family that loves them and is suffering along with them. This is heart breaking to me!!

I am very much like my Father in that I always try to take peoples pain away...I don't want them to feel the pain, I would rather take if FOR them...this is not possible in these situations, and therefore, I feel helpless. I can't understand all of this pain, the anguish, the death...it makes no sense to me. And I keep asking my friends WHY in the world is all of this happening? Why is there so much death?! Almost all of the 6 people above are under 31 years old!! WHAT?!?! I thought this stuff only happened to OLD people...you know, like my Grandparents and their friends! But this is reality. And I'll be honest, the reality where it is right now...I'm not too happy about it!

I am SO thankful that I have my faith in the Lord, that I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW He has a special and specific plan for everyone in this world. This brings me comfort and honestly, it is what keeps me sane! I have been feeling so much grief, sadness, loss and helplessness it is almost unbearable! And then I stop and think, this isn't MY pain!! I have GOT to learn to turn it over to the Lord! He is the only one that can get me through all of this! I can not do it on my own!

I pray, every moment of every day that the families, friends and those connect to the people above and all the others that have passed or are sick or hurting for any reason, that they will realize that there is NO way to get through the pain and the agony of these difficult times, without the Lord Jesus Christ! I pray that they will know the Lord's comfort, His peace, His kindness and His forgiveness! He will be the one to take away their pain, NOT me...I need to keep reminding myself of that!

So, I sit here, tears in my eyes, aching for those that I care for that are hurting. And I say, it's yours Lord, I give it to you! Take away my pain and the pain that all these people feel! Heal their hearts and comfort them during these trying times, because you are the ONLY one that can do such a thing!

First Day of Kindergarten!

She is READY to go, with her sharing (show-and-tell) and all!

Those eyes...oh man, those eyes!

She's got her bear, she's got her lunch, LET'S GO!!

She's telling her teacher about the Bison that we saw on her Birthday!

It's official, my daughter is in Kindergarten! Seriously?! I remember MY Kindergarten class! I had Mrs. Scott, she was friends with my Grandmother...I also remember a boy in my class named Darin, he was a troublemaker. We were playing tug-of-war one day and he let go and I fell into the brick wall and got my first black eye...Oh man, I hope there's not bully's in her school like that...cause I'll beat 'em up!! ;o)

Open House for Kindergarten

Getting ready to go, lookin' all cute!

Gotta get some love from Mama!

She just melts my heart!

And a little smooch for Mama

And she's on her way!

We decided to keep Mikaelyn in the Montessori school for Kindergarten. It's expensive, but we feel it's worth it to have a wonderful, stable place for her to go when sometimes things are a little chaotic around our house. We love them and they just adore Mikaelyn! They had an open house so the kids could come back and say hello, see the new stuff they got and make up their folders that they bring home each week with all of the assignments they completed for throughout the week! We're so happy she's back for one more year!!

Happy 5th Birthday to my Bugaboo!

Opening Presents...FINALLY!

She kept asking if THIS was her fish...


Then she walked in her room and saw the tank...with no fish!

And started dancing around...for about 5 minutes!

A quick picture with Mama

And of course, had to get one with Daddy...they take THE CUTEST pictures EVER!

Then off to buy her fish!!

Dinner at her favorite restaurant, Cafe Veloce...look at how Daddy looks at her!

Blowing out the 5 candles on her Sleeping Beauty cake

And a quick family photo...still can't figure out why Anthony & I are so shiny! ;o)

August 18, 2004 @ 11:19pm, my wonderful, sweet, intelligent, BEAUTIFUL daughter Mikaeyn Joy was born, after 15+ hours of labor. Fast forward to August 18, 2009 and we celebrated her 5th birthday! It was a good day hanging with Daddy in the morning, then coming to work with Mommy for a little bit before getting ready for dinner as a family. We went minimal on presents this year as our child has everything she could want and doesn't really "need" anything else. Grandma & Papa got her a pink princess Bible (which you can see in the last picture, she insisted that she take it to dinner with her) which she was SO excited about, but it doesn't have any pictures! HA! She'll learn to read it very soon! We also got her a fish tank and 2 fish (which one has already died and we acquired 2 more, so now she has 3). She was so happy and is doing such a great job taking care of them. Right now we have Jewelry (grey), Arana (orange) and Rayla (orange and white)...all goldfish. We had a great dinner at our favorite restaurant, Cafe Veloce and Mikaelyn was a very happy birthday girl!

We are so blessed to have gotten this far and are so thankful for the Lord giving us this bright little girl! I don't know where I would be without her and I just can't believe she's already 5!!

Family Birthday Day

Her first Ferry ride

The llama CRACKED US UP! He was just passed out, asleep in the middle of the road! HA!

The highlight of my day, feeding and petting the zebras!

Mikaelyn feeding the fallow deer...she was so brave, and they were very sweet!

For Mikaelyn's 5th birthday, we decided not to do a party this year. She didn't really ask for one, and neither Anthony nor I felt like figuring out all the details and spending all the money for kids we don't really know. So, instead, I planned a whole day for the three of us...which in reality, Mikaelyn would love more than anything ANY day!

We surprised her by taking her to the Olympic Game Farm in Sequim, WA. We got up early, went and got breakfast from Starbucks while Daddy got ready, then picked him up and left by 9am to go to the ferry. We took the ferry to Bainbridge Island and then drove about an hour to the farm. You drive through and the animals just come up to your house and eat bread out of your hands! It's SO fun!! We fed llamas, ox, zebras, bison, bunnies, bears, birds, elk, different types of deer, goats, and of course Mikaelyn snuck some too.

After a few hours there, we headed to the Edgewater for dinner where we were blessed with the most beautiful sunset after an incredible day! We laughed harder and longer than we have in ages and thoroughly enjoyed every minute with each other! Mikaelyn was surprised, happy and took home a little bell as a souvenir, which QUICKLY got on our nerves...come to think of it...where is that bell?? Hmm...

I got this great shot of Mikaelyn and Anthony just before the sun went down. A beautiful end to a beautiful day!! We had SUCH a great time!!