This is something that I have wrestled with practically all my life! Here is a list of my BFF's since I was born...in order of when they received that "Title":
1) Jenifer
2) Heidi
3) Candy
4) Nicole
5) Kayleen
6) Abbey
7) Katie
8) Niki
9) Sabrina
10) John
11) Erin
12) Kristina
13) Sosha
14) Anthony
15) Kim
16) Heather
17) Nissa
Phew...I think that's about it...
I heard on the radio the other day, that children supposedly meet their "BFF" (Best Friend Forever) at the young age of 3! I can honestly say that ALMOST all of these people I am still friends with to this day and consider a very select few CLOSE friends of mine. So many have been through so much with me, both good and bad.
But here is where I struggle...to how many of them, am I their one TRUE best friend?? I'm not...I don't have that ONE person that I talk to or text EVERY single day, that I can talk to about anything, that knows me inside and out, that understands why I do the things I do. That ONE person that trusts me with their heart and soul and knows that NO MATTER WHAT, I will do anything to protect them. To be honest, I've never had that...ever.
Now, before I go on, let's just take #14 out of this...kind of. Anthony is the Father of my child and the man that I share my life with right now. Yes, he is there for me and I love him dearly...but even he doesn't give me everything I need in a BFF. Yes, he is the 1st person I call if there is any issue with our daughter, or if something is going on with work and vice versa...but it is just different. What I'm talking about is someone OUTSIDE of 'family' that I can go to and trust with everything.
I have struggled with this all my life. I have tried to do anything I can to find a REAL BFF, but can't seem to find the 'right' person to fill the position. Over the years I have fought with, cried with and loved dearly all the people in the above list and have very special memories with all of them individually, and am blessed to continue my relationship with many of them, but I long for that ONE person. Every time I consider someone my BFF...they always have ANOTHER BFF. Now don't get me wrong. I don't expect to be the ONLY friend, I mean seriously, that's just silly. But there is something about that 'title', that to me, means more, and feel like there should be that ONE person.
Several friends have been MY best friend, but I have not been THEIR best friend. And I don't really know why? I have lost sleep over this, wondering if it's something wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to be THEIR best friend? I'm still trying to figure this all out and hope that someday things will become clearer.
My friend Jenni and I got together over this past weekend in the Portland area where she lives and talked about the "olden days"...holy crap, am I OLD ENOUGH to even say that?! Anyway, we talked about our MAJOR insecurities in High School, the ways we felt, the things we remembered...and many things that we didn't remember, but the other person did. It's amazing to me how everybody seems to think that I had it all together in H.S. I mean, here I was a cheerleader 3 years, 2 of them being all-american, good grades, a car (not like it's anything to write about, but I DID have a vehicle), everybody knew who I was, my Senior year I was dating one of the best looking and nicest guys in school, and was overall pretty well liked (I think).
What most people DIDN'T see was the indescribable insecurities and hurt I had in my heart! Very few saw what I did to my body when I was anorexic and bulimic. The way I turned to "bad" things instead of turning to a real person for help. The way my heart broke when I was left out, or the MANY tears I cried because I didn't have any REAL friends! My younger years, although in hindsight were MUCH easier than they are now...were VERY painful and difficult for me.
Jenni & I met with one of our fellow Cheerleaders, Carole on Sunday for lunch and discussed these very things. Carole said something that was SO true...how she wished that someone would have put ALL the girls in one room and said, look around, ALL of you are feeling the SAME thing, the SAME insecurities and the SAME discomfort in life! I think I 'looked' like I had it 'together' because that's what I portrayed, but if only I knew that SO many, including Jenni & Carole were feeling the exact same way, it could have all been different, not only for me, but for so many others.
So, now that I'm older, and a mother with a career, I still question WHO is my BFF?? Well, in the physical world, I don't really have a BFF...I have a select few CLOSE friends. But even without my ONE TRUE BFF, I know that I have people that would be there for me in a heartbeat if anything happened, or if I really needed them. Jenni is one of those people on that short list. After 13 years of only seeing each other probably once or twice, we have rekindled, or rather, re-started a new friendship, based on Christ, love and trust. The Lord has put us back in touch for a reason and I believe that it has been His perfect timing that brought us together!
BUT, even though I don't have a physical BFF, I DO have a BFF!!! Jesus Christ is my BFF!! This may sound cliche to you, but it is the truth. HE is the One that I call out to when I'm hurt. HE is the One that I feel comfort from. HE is the One that has saved me. HE is the One that trust with my heart 120%+!! And HE is the One that LOVES me no matter whether I'm happy or sad, busy or lonely, annoying and loud or quiet and reserved, HE LOVES ME!!
So, I ask you this question: Who is YOUR BFF? Can you say that Christ is? If not, then you're missing out on the best and most fruitful and loving relationship possible!! I may have a long way to go in life, with my friends and family, but I KNOW that the Lord will be by my side loving me unconditionally like only He can...and for that I can feel comfort.
