Having a 4 year old is not always the easiest of things to handle every day, all day. But these last 6 days have been SO much better than any other consecutive 6 days that I have had in a very long time.
Last Thursday evening while Anthony was at work, Mikaelyn and I sat on her bed and had our 1st REAL "Heart to Heart" talk. We talk all the time and we discuss situations and issues often, but this one was different. We sat on the bed holding hands talking about how we are both struggling with our "attitudes". I have found myself to have 2 levels of talking...normal, happy talking and yelling. And Mikaelyn, at this age is really starting to talk back, thinking she's being silly, when in actuality, it's becoming a bit disrespectful, not only to Anthony & I, but it's filtering into her classes and I don't want to have her being disrespectful to her teachers or her classmates.
I never thought I would be that Mom that was yelling all the time, but I found myself getting SO frustrated that she is going through these phases, I didn't know how else to cope. Yelling seemed to give me a sort of release that for a quick moment made me feel better. But I realized when I went to bed every night that the yelling actually made me feel worse b/c I HATE to see my daughter flinch b/c my voice is raised or cry b/c she feels I'm being mean or that I'm mad at her.
Now, let me put this into a perspective so I don't sound like I'm a "softy". Children need to be disciplined and it is imperative that they know who is boss, but there are other ways to go about this then to yell and scream at them b/c really, what does that accomplish?! Well, I found out...it accomplishes NOTHING!
Somone once told me that you need to keep your 'yelling voice' for those times when it is important to yell, such as to scream "GOOD JOB" when they're playing in a soccer game, or better yet, to yell at them if they're in danger of some sort (say a car coming at them in the street). To yell for no reason, or just because I'm frustrated, is no reason to yell at all. And like I said before, the feeling of release of that frustration is only for a moment...then your heart speaks to you and you feel badly for making the poor child feel bad when really, they're learning every day what is right and wrong, and it's our job as parents to teach them those things...not to scream them at them!
So, Mikaelyn and I discussed how it upsets her when I yell and I told her that I am going to really have to work at it, and I may make mistakes, but that I am going to do my very best to not yell at her anymore. I explained to her that if she was naughty, that she would still need to be disciplined b/c that is what Mom's and Dad's do to help teach them the right things to do, but that I was going to try my hardest not to yell. I also told her that if I DID yell, that she should say to me, "Mommy, please don't yell". We also discussed her attitude and the things that she needed to change, such as the talking back. She said she would try hard and that if she did talk back that I could say, "Mikaelyn, please don't talk back and please be respectful". And again, we discussed punishment if she was not able to follow these rules.
So, today, Wednesday is Day 6 of NOT yelling!!! YAY!!!
It may sound terrible and hopefully nobody thinks I'm a terrible Mom for being a "yeller", but hopefully what you'll see through this experience is that we learn by our mistakes. And that is precisely what I am trying to do. I'm not saying I will never yell, b/c these things just happen at times, but I am working hard every day to make our home calmer and therefore more pleasant to be a part of.
Although Mikaelyn is still working on her attitude, I mean, come on, she is only 4 and still testing the waters...I have already seen a dramatic improvement in our communication! We will have road bumps here and there, but I think this is one that is getting smoother every day!
So, here's to the next 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months and 6 years of lowering my voice and communicating with my child! It's what she deserves!!!
2 comments:
Good for you! I struggle with yelling at my kids too - I spend lots of time apologizing to them - it's very humbling to ask your three-year old for forgiveness!
Thanks for being vulnerable and authentic on your blog. We ALL lose it sometimes... especially when they're 2-5 and reasoning doesn't always seem to work as quickly as we'd like.
You're doing a GREAT job!
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