Who is YOUR BFF??

This is something that I have wrestled with practically all my life! Here is a list of my BFF's since I was born...in order of when they received that "Title":

1) Jenifer
2) Heidi
3) Candy
4) Nicole
5) Kayleen
6) Abbey
7) Katie
8) Niki
9) Sabrina
10) John
11) Erin
12) Kristina
13) Sosha
14) Anthony
15) Kim
16) Heather
17) Nissa

Phew...I think that's about it...

I heard on the radio the other day, that children supposedly meet their "BFF" (Best Friend Forever) at the young age of 3! I can honestly say that ALMOST all of these people I am still friends with to this day and consider a very select few CLOSE friends of mine. So many have been through so much with me, both good and bad.

But here is where I struggle...to how many of them, am I their one TRUE best friend?? I'm not...I don't have that ONE person that I talk to or text EVERY single day, that I can talk to about anything, that knows me inside and out, that understands why I do the things I do. That ONE person that trusts me with their heart and soul and knows that NO MATTER WHAT, I will do anything to protect them. To be honest, I've never had that...ever.

Now, before I go on, let's just take #14 out of this...kind of. Anthony is the Father of my child and the man that I share my life with right now. Yes, he is there for me and I love him dearly...but even he doesn't give me everything I need in a BFF. Yes, he is the 1st person I call if there is any issue with our daughter, or if something is going on with work and vice versa...but it is just different. What I'm talking about is someone OUTSIDE of 'family' that I can go to and trust with everything.

I have struggled with this all my life. I have tried to do anything I can to find a REAL BFF, but can't seem to find the 'right' person to fill the position. Over the years I have fought with, cried with and loved dearly all the people in the above list and have very special memories with all of them individually, and am blessed to continue my relationship with many of them, but I long for that ONE person. Every time I consider someone my BFF...they always have ANOTHER BFF. Now don't get me wrong. I don't expect to be the ONLY friend, I mean seriously, that's just silly. But there is something about that 'title', that to me, means more, and feel like there should be that ONE person.

Several friends have been MY best friend, but I have not been THEIR best friend. And I don't really know why? I have lost sleep over this, wondering if it's something wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to be THEIR best friend? I'm still trying to figure this all out and hope that someday things will become clearer.

My friend Jenni and I got together over this past weekend in the Portland area where she lives and talked about the "olden days"...holy crap, am I OLD ENOUGH to even say that?! Anyway, we talked about our MAJOR insecurities in High School, the ways we felt, the things we remembered...and many things that we didn't remember, but the other person did. It's amazing to me how everybody seems to think that I had it all together in H.S. I mean, here I was a cheerleader 3 years, 2 of them being all-american, good grades, a car (not like it's anything to write about, but I DID have a vehicle), everybody knew who I was, my Senior year I was dating one of the best looking and nicest guys in school, and was overall pretty well liked (I think).

What most people DIDN'T see was the indescribable insecurities and hurt I had in my heart! Very few saw what I did to my body when I was anorexic and bulimic. The way I turned to "bad" things instead of turning to a real person for help. The way my heart broke when I was left out, or the MANY tears I cried because I didn't have any REAL friends! My younger years, although in hindsight were MUCH easier than they are now...were VERY painful and difficult for me.

Jenni & I met with one of our fellow Cheerleaders, Carole on Sunday for lunch and discussed these very things. Carole said something that was SO true...how she wished that someone would have put ALL the girls in one room and said, look around, ALL of you are feeling the SAME thing, the SAME insecurities and the SAME discomfort in life! I think I 'looked' like I had it 'together' because that's what I portrayed, but if only I knew that SO many, including Jenni & Carole were feeling the exact same way, it could have all been different, not only for me, but for so many others.

So, now that I'm older, and a mother with a career, I still question WHO is my BFF?? Well, in the physical world, I don't really have a BFF...I have a select few CLOSE friends. But even without my ONE TRUE BFF, I know that I have people that would be there for me in a heartbeat if anything happened, or if I really needed them. Jenni is one of those people on that short list. After 13 years of only seeing each other probably once or twice, we have rekindled, or rather, re-started a new friendship, based on Christ, love and trust. The Lord has put us back in touch for a reason and I believe that it has been His perfect timing that brought us together!

BUT, even though I don't have a physical BFF, I DO have a BFF!!! Jesus Christ is my BFF!! This may sound cliche to you, but it is the truth. HE is the One that I call out to when I'm hurt. HE is the One that I feel comfort from. HE is the One that has saved me. HE is the One that trust with my heart 120%+!! And HE is the One that LOVES me no matter whether I'm happy or sad, busy or lonely, annoying and loud or quiet and reserved, HE LOVES ME!!

So, I ask you this question: Who is YOUR BFF? Can you say that Christ is? If not, then you're missing out on the best and most fruitful and loving relationship possible!! I may have a long way to go in life, with my friends and family, but I KNOW that the Lord will be by my side loving me unconditionally like only He can...and for that I can feel comfort.

Some Mikaelyn Pictures

My friend Mandie needed some photos for her Portfolio and asked if Mikaelyn wanted to do a shoot. The timing worked out perfectly since it was Mikaelyn's 5th birthday coming up, so we just made it a birthday shoot! Althought at the beginning she wasn't REAL excited about pictures (no matter HOW much you prepare a 5 year old, you just NEVER know what kind of attitude you'll actually get), but the end, she was a happy girl and eager to get LOTS of good shots on the swings!

Thanks Mandie for doing this for us!

Change is Coming...

...and I'm really not sure I'm 'ready' for it...but I also don't really have control over it.

The Lord is working in my life and I am doing my best to follow His lead. It is hard to understand why God chooses certain things for each of us to go through and it's even more difficult to try to explain that to a 5 year old. I've been thinking about buying a journal and writing in all of her questions about the Lord. they are such SIMPLE questions that I can't seem to answer in a way that she will actually understand, or maybe even that I understand. So I think it's time to start writing them down and researching so that I can give her the best opportunity at learning more about the Lord and all that He has in store for us.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get through all of this change, or how I'm going to cope with the adjustments, but I know that the Lord is on my side and am doing my best to "give it to God", even though I really don't know HOW to do that...I'm trying.

I suppose I ask for prayer during these next few days and weeks ahead that I imagine will be very difficult for me, and for Mikaelyn. We know that God is love and that if we put our trust in Him, He will care for us...so that's what we're trying to do!

I am SO blessed to have this little girl that gives me a reason to wake up every morning, a reason to keep going and a reason to love! I am so proud of the little lady that she is!!

What is YOUR greatest fear?

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind to say the least. I have been very busy at work, which in and of itself is such a blessing! Mikaelyn is in full-blown Fall mode with Dance on Mondays, all-day Kindergarten Tuesday through Friday and Awana started this week on Wednesdays. Somehow, I have this feeling that this little girl is going to keep us VERY busy when she gets older! :o)

This past month has been a bit challenging emotionally for me in several ways and I am still trying to figure out who I am, what I want, what Mikaelyn NEEDS and where I want to be in life, in love and in the Lord. I am being challenged in positive ways that are leading me to the Cross and praying for strength, positive attitude and happiness. Still working on all of that, but I know that the Lord is Faithful and He will bring me to where I need to be as long as I keep my eyes focused on Him!

With all of that being said, a conversation came up the other day that I have thought about very often, especially as of late, but have never verbalized it...

If someone were to ask you, "What's your greatest fear?", what would you say??

My greatest fear?? DEATH!!

As a Christian, we are told that when we die, since we have received Christ into our hearts, we will go to Heaven and we should not fear death as we will then live with Jesus for eternity! Great, right!?! Absolutely, that's amazing!

But here's MY reality...Death itself, TERRIFIES me!! It keeps me awake at night, it's my greatest fear as a mother, a companion, a sister, a niece, a cousin and a daughter!!

The past few months, there has been A LOT of death surrounding me and my friends and people at arms length that I have a connection with on some level. My heart literally ACHES for them and the pain that they must feel losing a son, a brother, a husband, a child, a friend. Death to me is confusing, complicated and hurtful, to say the least. I don't understand death, I don't like it and it scares me!!

If something were to happen to me, I wonder if people would REALLY know who I am, if they would know what I would want to be done with my daughter, who I would want to care for her, and HOW I would want her to grow up? Would they know what to do with my things? Who would comfort them better than I could, but now I'm not there to make them feel better. How would this affect Mikaelyn as she grows older? I NEVER want her to feel the pain of losing someone and DO NOT want her to grow up without a Mother! I question myself if I have given myself to Mikaelyn and Anthony in a way that they deserve and desire so that I would actually leave them with ONLY positive memories of me? Does my family, immediate and extended KNOW how deeply I love them, even if I don't always show it? Do my friends know how MUCH they mean to me? Have I given of myself enough to be remembered for the GOOD and not for the "drama"?

This may all seem so silly and 'morbid', but given the last few months, watching several friends go through such devastating loss', it brings me to a crossroads of what I want MY life to be now and in the future. I want SO much more...I want to be happy, so that if something does happen to me, EVERYBODY will know, how HAPPY and GRATEFUL I am for my life. I fear that right now, I'm not in that place. I put on a good front (I think) on the social sites and at work, but at home the reality is, I am not in a very happy place. I have SO much that I want to do with my life and for my daughter and I feel like I am left in limbo and don't really know which way to turn. I feel like I do not have control over my destiny right now and that is literally driving me crazy! I run from those that challenge me because I don't "feel" like dealing with the things they're telling me and I put on a front like life is GREAT so that I look like I have it all together.

This past week, a friend of mine Jenni, has told her story of what the Lord has done in her life and the bondage that she has been able to get out of with help from her husband, children, friends and more than anything the mercy and forgiveness of the Lord. She has shown me, that in the depths of despair, there IS a way out...there is a way to find happiness. It's not always easy, it can often be painful, and you will most likely have to do things that you don't "want" to do, but there is a way out. She has shown, courage & strength in sharing her story. She has a LONG way to go, as we all do, but she has STARTED her journey to restoration and has been forgiven by the One who REALLY matters, the Lord!

So, I'm being vulnerable right now, sharing my deepest fear and the struggles that are my reality. Where does this lead me? I have no idea...but it's been on my heart and I needed to get it down in writing...for me, that's a release. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing, but I hope that if something does happen to me, that at least my daughter will know how DEEPLY and PASSIONATELY I LOVE HER!!! Regardless of how I may react to her at times, my love for her is only surpassed by the Lord's love for her!

I challenge you to look into your heart and figure out what YOUR greatest fear is and start working through it...you never know what tomorrow holds as the Lord does not promise tomorrow. I have learned this FAR too deeply in recent days. Be HONEST with yourself and start the path towards restoration. It will not be finished today, or tomorrow...it may take the rest of your life, but we HAVE to be honest with ourselves in order to be honest with others!

Another Sad Day

I just got word (via blog) that my friend Shannon (Anderson) Nelson and her husband and their two older sons, Kaden & Jonas, lost their sweet son/brother Lucas, 8 months old to cancer last night. My heart is aching for my old friend! No mother should ever have to go through the pain of losing a child. There are no words to begin to express my sadness for their family, but I know the Lord will comfort them during this tragic time!

Shannon, I love you, even though I haven't seen you for FAR too many years. You are such an inspiration to so many women and mothers and I'm proud of you for the brave face, strong mind and unconditionally loving heart that you gave to Lucas! My prayers are with you, Aaron, your boys and all of your extended family and friends! May the Lord give you peace, comfort and understanding in the days and years to come!

A Break from Blogging??

Each day I come to my blog to read about my friends and their families, their struggles and their joys. But I haven't been able to actually write down my thoughts and share my joys in the past few weeks. This summer has been one of the most difficult that I can remember, in so many ways. I have several friends that are going through the most difficult times of their lives, lost family members, illness, you name it! Here's just a few that weigh heavily on my heart each day:

The Robertson Family - Lost their son/brother Ryan, age 21 earlier in July to a drug overdose. After several days in a coma, and some pretty incredible miracles that the Lord provided them with Ryan acknowledging them, talking to them, and kissing them, the Lord took him home.

The Lam Family - Lost their son/brother Granger, age 30 to cardiac arrests. After a few days in a coma, Granger was taken off life support and passed very soon after. Granger is the father to a beautiful little girl, almost 5 named Jesslynne.

The Hammrich Family - Lost their son/brother Kenny, age 24 in a car accident. After a few days in a come, Kenny was taken off life support and passed soon after.

The Nelson Family - Found out not too long ago that their son, Lucas, 8 months old has cancer. A few days ago, the Doctor's told them that the cancer had spread to his brain and there was nothing they could do for him, but keep him comfortable. On Sunday 8/30, Lucas slipped into a coma...I have not heard an update since Monday 8/31 as to how he is doing.

Melissa Waller - A friend of mine since Elementary School was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer back in February. She has been in and out of the hospital (mostly in) for the past several months in excruciating pain and while dealing with this, lost one of her friends that she met in the hospital, who also had cancer. She is only 31 years old.

The McDowell Family - Lost their father/husband to cancer the end of July. One of my best friends Heather, his daughter, was able to be with him when he passed and I am so thankful she had the opportunity to say her goodbyes and I love you's.

This is just a few of the people that are hurting right now, this doesn't even touch on the friends that are connected to these people, the extended family that loves them and is suffering along with them. This is heart breaking to me!!

I am very much like my Father in that I always try to take peoples pain away...I don't want them to feel the pain, I would rather take if FOR them...this is not possible in these situations, and therefore, I feel helpless. I can't understand all of this pain, the anguish, the death...it makes no sense to me. And I keep asking my friends WHY in the world is all of this happening? Why is there so much death?! Almost all of the 6 people above are under 31 years old!! WHAT?!?! I thought this stuff only happened to OLD people...you know, like my Grandparents and their friends! But this is reality. And I'll be honest, the reality where it is right now...I'm not too happy about it!

I am SO thankful that I have my faith in the Lord, that I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW He has a special and specific plan for everyone in this world. This brings me comfort and honestly, it is what keeps me sane! I have been feeling so much grief, sadness, loss and helplessness it is almost unbearable! And then I stop and think, this isn't MY pain!! I have GOT to learn to turn it over to the Lord! He is the only one that can get me through all of this! I can not do it on my own!

I pray, every moment of every day that the families, friends and those connect to the people above and all the others that have passed or are sick or hurting for any reason, that they will realize that there is NO way to get through the pain and the agony of these difficult times, without the Lord Jesus Christ! I pray that they will know the Lord's comfort, His peace, His kindness and His forgiveness! He will be the one to take away their pain, NOT me...I need to keep reminding myself of that!

So, I sit here, tears in my eyes, aching for those that I care for that are hurting. And I say, it's yours Lord, I give it to you! Take away my pain and the pain that all these people feel! Heal their hearts and comfort them during these trying times, because you are the ONLY one that can do such a thing!

First Day of Kindergarten!

She is READY to go, with her sharing (show-and-tell) and all!

Those eyes...oh man, those eyes!

She's got her bear, she's got her lunch, LET'S GO!!

She's telling her teacher about the Bison that we saw on her Birthday!

It's official, my daughter is in Kindergarten! Seriously?! I remember MY Kindergarten class! I had Mrs. Scott, she was friends with my Grandmother...I also remember a boy in my class named Darin, he was a troublemaker. We were playing tug-of-war one day and he let go and I fell into the brick wall and got my first black eye...Oh man, I hope there's not bully's in her school like that...cause I'll beat 'em up!! ;o)