...and it wasn't pretty!
Saturday, August 8, 2009, I had to attend the Memorial Service of my friend Granger Lam. A man who passed away just 7 days before his 31st birthday, leaving behind a daughter who is almost 5, a wonderful family and many friends.
Granger passed away on July 28, 2009 and for the past almost 2 weeks, I have chosen to push away as many feelings as possible so that I could focus on what needed to be done. Not only for his family and friends, but for my new job, my daughter and my own sanity. My mind constantly thinks about Granger and the many memories that we shared over the past 20ish years, but any time that I would feel that lump in my throat, or feels the tears in the corner of my eyes, I would quickly do something to distract myself. This all "worked" for the most part until Saturday afternoon when I had to attend his Memorial service.
I arrived at 11am to find quite a few people already at the Funeral Home. I was instantly hit with a very heavy heart and an aching feeling in my stomach, unlike what I had been experiencing since I first heard of Granger being in the hospital and soon after, his passing. This was reality...this was real...he was really gone...and I wasn't ready to say good bye! After greeting a few old friends from High School and talking with some new friends, I finally got the courage up to go say my absolute final good bye to Granger, face to face...my soul to his earthly body. It was a shock to see him in the state he was in, I have to be honest. It was hard to see him in the hospital...my big strong friend who always had a smile on his face, lying there on life-support with no expression, no emotion on his face, but now, he was there with no life to him, just a tired body laying there peaceful yet empty. It was a feeling I have a hard time putting into words and again, to be honest, not a feeling that I even want to remember. I once again prayed for Granger, told him I loved him, that I missed him and that I would see him again. Ouch, it hurt!
The Memorial service was by far a huge success given the unfortunate and terrible circumstances. It started with one of my favorite songs, Halo by Beyonce...I immediately lost it and had to do my best to control my emotions and tears as I really didn't want to make a scene. This song has a massive amount of meaning to me in several ways and I felt it was not ironic that I had listened to it driving to the service. After hearing several of the memories that Granger's current friends had of him, I felt it was my time to go up and share something of Granger and who he was, to me!
I shared about how Granger changed the course of my life when I was pregnant with Mikaelyn, some 5 years ago. I had told Granger of how everything came about, and I'm glad that he knew that he inspired my family in a great way. I had told his family this story the first time I came to visit him in the hospital, and I'm glad that they know just one more memory of the joy Granger provided to me. I also told of his affection for "booty's", HA HA! Yes, Granger was one of those that had a thing for the 'behind' and it has been that way at least all through High School and carried on into his adult life. :o) I'll never forget all of us cheerleaders doing a specific cheer (Let me see your "funky Chicken", What's that you say?) where we had to bend over all together...Granger was ALWAYS turned around staring at us...there's even a picture of this somewhere! HA! This was the same, one of the last times that I saw him at the gym when I was doing glute exercises and continuously had to tell Granger to move IN FRONT of me so we could continue our conversation...such a funny guy!
But, I ended my memory by stating that the people from High School, his friends from back in the day, were the ones that knew the REAL Granger...he still had the same heart his whole life, but the reality is that Granger was not the same person when his lifestyle changed. I feel blessed to have known the REAL Granger and am thankful that regardless of what his lifestyle was in these past few years, as soon as he would see me, whether out at a bar, or in the gym, his facade dropped immediately, and he was back to the one that remember and loved. He was always on his best behavior when I was around and I loved that about him, that he respected me and loved me enough to know that he needed to act right!
After an incredibly wonderful video put together by my friend John's Dad was shown, there was only one thing left to hear and that was Bettina's (Jeff's wife) statement from her and the family about the reality of what Granger went through in the last years of his life. The tiredness of his body and all the things that we needed to now release from our minds and to focus in on the good in his life and the good that came out of it, Jesslynne, his mini-me daughter! Bettina spoke so eloquently, tactfully and honestly about Granger's life and I still get goosebumps thinking about what a great job she did...thank you again Bettina for addressing the true reality in a way that was heard, appreciated and hopefully used for the good!
Saying good bye is not easy for me, I don't think it's easy for anybody really. But, this is certainly one of the hardest good bye's that I have had to say. You know, the Memorial Service makes a mark as the finality of the death, the time where you leave it all there and start moving on...but I'm not sure I'm ready for that! Maybe it's because I held back my emotions as much as possible in the days leading up to the service, but I feel like I'm still reeling in the emotions of Granger really being gone, of never being able to talk to him again, of never seeing his smiling face. I am still very sad and can't seem to really focus on anything else.
All in all, I've realized I'm just not done grieving yet, and I think that's okay. This weekend was a whirlwind of emotions and I need to take some time to really work through each emotion at my own leisure. However, I am doing my best to focus on the good and positive things in my life and the many blessings that even as of recently I have received!
God is SO good and I know that although it's hard to understand death and loss, He has a perfect plan and I put my trust and hope in Him knowing full well that He will protect me, guide me and comfort me through everything! I hope you all can feel this as well!
She is READY to go, with her sharing (show-and-tell) and all!
Those eyes...oh man, those eyes!
She's got her bear, she's got her lunch, LET'S GO!!
She's telling her teacher about the Bison that we saw on her Birthday!
Then off to buy her fish!!
The highlight of my day, feeding and petting the zebras!
